just to show how serious this is…….

During this summer, i fell into my depression again.

we were playing basketball, it was around 6 o’clock. we had an odd number of ppl. so we decided to play 3 on 4. the 3 best versus the 4. i was on the 4 team, not cause i suck, more because they had all the rebounders. in cases where i have to lead a team, i will. i make sure i dont lose face. i gave instructions to my team, yet they disobeyed. so i took matters to my own hand. i took shots, but they were all contested. none of my shots were goin in, so i made sure none of their shots go in either. i did my best, yet it fell short every fucking time. i got so distraught, i took off my shoe and throw it. they didnt understand, and just laughed. towards 8ish, i took an elbow in my face from blockin a shot. i acted like i had trouble breathin, so i sat down. then, an overwhelming feeling of failure took me. i started to cry. i covered my face as much as possible wit the napkin i used to stop my nose from bleedin. i sat there, crying to myself cause thank god, it was getting dark. the game ended, and it seemed as if nobody knew. the attacker saw, and thought he was the cause of it.

wha he didnt know is this deep-seeded problem that i hav.

2 days later…..

i was in my summer class, i simply agreed wit a classmate, the teacher said no, and that we were both wrong, when it was just an opinion. at that moment, i felt as if nothing i did was ever right or that i ever hav control over anything i do, and i started to cry. but i was still in class, the teacher was lookin rite at me. i had to hold a straight face the best i could for a fucking hour. rite after class, i ran out, cut my 2nd class, ran to my car, and just cried. and i cried while i drove back home.

during this summer, i would lay on my bed, and think of how much better my life would b if i could end this suffering. i felt my worth in this world is irrelevant.  Everytime, i would feel like killin myself, i got up, and walked straight to the idiot box, and started pressing my video games, and "video gaming" my life away.

Reason i write:

i write to record. 

in my life, i hav experienced much.  Much of it, i have not told anyone. some of these things i tell my friends that my parents dont know; and some of these things i tell my parents that my friends dont know; and there r much that i hav keep inside.

i write to assist.

i know i am not the only one... that has went through the things i hav.  i mean everybody has problems; and everybody goes through different experiences; and every person has different opinions on "experiences."  But, i think we can all agree that a child at age 6, gets molested by a guy... will definitely affect his present.  and for those who can relate,

u r not alone.

and it helps me to write these things down.  cause ppl dont care, and they dont understand; they could only imagine. 

*to those who knows me: i dont want a comment from u.  i already lived 21yrs of my life wit these bad memories behind me, and witout anyone knowing. im fine. i just had to get it out.*

Depression

when i was in FLHS, i was 17, a junior; i had this friend who had much family problems. he was never happy, apathetic, and despite all the funny/stupid things i did or those happy things our friends did for him, he would maintain that mood. i thought to myself, "that is dumb, i don't understand it, y would he dwell on such misery. its like one of those goth kids we c on tv, those ppl r so depressing to look at, they should die." i told myself that i would never want to b like that.

but life, it seems, is not without a sense of irony........

about a yr from that time, a complicated relationship transpired....... wha was felt can not b explained.  it is a feeling of pure apathy, and i could feel myself crying from the inside. there were nights that i cry myself to sleep, and there were nights when i couldn't cry to sleep, those were unbearable.  wha was worse was the fact that i have become a person that i hated.  at the time, i did attempted suicide, i couldnt do it, i feared death. 

left hand wit my modeling knife, i gently placed it on my right wrist, i applied a lil pressure and rolled it across my wrist, there was a stinging pain, and that was all i needed to stop my demise, but i continued to get a scar, to make others worry, but that didnt work. it added failure to my depression, but i am happy i am alive now.